Calculating Risks

Posted on February 21, 2013 by Mark Keating

risksAll things, really, involve risk.  It’s a matter of degree that separates one decision, act, or behaviour from another – and makes one seem riskier.

The difficult part in assessing the risk of one thing over another really falls into the fact we tend to have imperfect information.  For those of us that had to pursue post-secondary math and statistics course, we know to assess the riskiness of a decision comes down to simple equations.  However, when the inputs to the equation are unknown – or at the very least fuzzy – then the potential outcomes become all the more suspect.

Making things more difficult is the fact that we all, psychologically speaking, influence our decisions with our desires.  Our wants and desires bias our thinking – downplaying the negative inputs and evidence and overemphasizing any small glimmers of evidence that reinforce our desired outcome.   Finding ways to uncover those biases, to reduce or eliminate them is ever so important – in business and in life.

I have always considered myself a risk-averse person.  Someone who avoided risks.  Or at least those that seemed “long-shots”.  Yet, over the last 18 months I have been able to push back my fear of risk, more correctly my fear of failure, and take various leaps of personal and professional faith.

I can;t say I know the outcome of every important decision I have made in the last while.  Some history is yet to be written.  Some paths may me be coming to an end – the branches in the them yet to be uncovered.  But, I can say that regardless of the outcomes, I have and will continue to be happy with the decisions I have made. I may not be richer (yet, in money) for having made the decision I have.  I doubt I will ever be.  However, there are limits to what money can buy.

I am happy.  I am safe.  I have two boys, amongst others, that love me dearly – and all are loved dearly in return.  That is, and will continue to be the most important litmus test I can put to the risks I take.  Can I continue to provide the right kind of environment for my loved ones to grow up in? An environment that allows them to thrive.  If so, and if we are all truly happy — then perhaps those risks taken have been well calculated!

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You can’t teach “do the right thing”

Posted on February 14, 2013 by Mark Keating

dilbert960809-9473One of my biggest lessons of the last 8 months is the simple fact that there are certain things you are or you’re not.  Things you simply can’t teach.  People are who they are, and by their very nature may be drawn to certain occupations, hobbies, or other interests.

These days, I spend my days selling.  It’s a departure from my previous career in marketing — a distinction that a lot of people have a hard time making.  But now that I have some time in sales under my belt, I have a deeper level of respect for those that do choose to sell.  And a much better understanding of why I was not one of those people.

I’m not driven by money – though it does pay the bills and makes life that much more enjoyable.  I’m not driven by “being the best”  – though it’s always nice to be at the top of one’s game. I am driven, instead, by my desire to succeed.  And to see the things I am working on succeed.  And to see the people I work with succeed.  I like to win – but not just me.  I like to be part of success.

So how does this come back to the original premise of this post?  That you can’t teach people to “do the right thing”?  Well, if there’s one thing about sales that I find most difficult to swallow, it’s the zero-sum-game mentality of it all.  The very fact that if I succeed, someone else has lost.  That when I make a sale, someone else didn’t make that sale.  That I have put a tick on the board… and they have not.  So the motivation is to try to succeed at all costs.  Even at a cost to others on the team.

It’s like living life in a semi permanent “prisoner’s dilemma”.  Everyone always looking over your shoulder, wondering who’s trying to pull money out of your pocket.  Knowing if everyone behaves with “honour” then no one loses out.  But if even one person decides to play things for his/herself, the whole system crashes down.  And the risk of that happening motivates the wong behaviour… to always be out for oneself.

Don’t get me wrong.  Not every salesperson is an all out “it’s all about me” type of person. And I’m sure with the right compensation packages and incentives you can make any sales team work as a collective rather than a group of individuals.  But in a world driven by monthly quotas, achieved individually, and paid on 100% commission, all the right ingredients are in place to make it a dog-eat-dog environment.  An environment where “doing the right thing” only makes you “a sucker”.

The part that makes me occasionally disillusioned with my work is that there do exist individuals who thrive on that environment.  Who thrive on winning, at the cost of others.  Who find beating teammates more exciting than necessarily winning as a team.  Who serve themselves before others.  Those that “take the first piece of cake”, rather than passing it along.

And it’s those folks, that ensure that, no matter how many individuals are willing to work collectively, to do the right thing for everyone on the team… those individuals spoil the game.

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Slow Progress is Progress

Posted on February 7, 2013 by Mark Keating

aa48cec0cf21c401c980c806ec14c42c_viewIt comes up many times when you are talking with a person new to athletics, or returning to athletics from a long hiatus, or simply trying to achieve a personal or professional goal – that there can be some level of discouragement at the “long road” they face to their end-result.  And the relative pace of their progress towards their goals can be an even bigger source of frustration.  Those of us “type a personalities” are especially susceptible to the impatience that comes with setting a target and wanting to achieve it immediately.

With gray hair, however, comes perspective. Every move forward is progress.  As small as it might be.  As inconsequential as it may seem.  It is movement.  And any movement towards achieving something is progress.  By any measure.

In fact, it’s not unreasonable to say that the harder one must work to achieve something of importance, the better one feels when finally achieving that goal.  In other words, you appreciate more the things that come with work, than those that come easily.

And so here I sit, 7 months into my “new career” wondering when I am going to achieve those things I set out to achieve.  When am I going to be in the position I want.  Not the one I was hired to do.  When will I realize the ambitions I have set for myself.  The ones I know I have prepared for throughout my career.  When will my “foot in the door” become my “bum in the seat”.

The frustrating part of the answer is that I still don’t know.  I still have so many unknowns.  I still have to wait.  To see.  To wonder.  To work.  To strive.  And to persevere.

The pleasant and fulfilling part of the answer is that I am seeing movement.  I am surrounded by people who are supportive of my ambitions.  Willing to lend me a hand.  Willing, perhaps, to gamble on me.

I am, perhaps like Sisyphus of old, beginning an effort of pushing the rock uphill.  We shall see.  Only time will tell.  Nonetheless, I need to tell myself one thing:  All progress, however slow it may seem, is progress.  And I am seeing progress.

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Finding Resolution

Posted on November 10, 2012 by Mark Keating

There are many times in our lives when we need to be able to find resolution.  To negotiate an agreement of some sort.  Some we recognize as being unimportant at the time.  Fun, frivolous.  Most are very unimportant in the long run.  They mean little to the “grand scheme” – despite how important they may appear at the time. And some we know will have long-lasting effects – impacting how our lives will play out for years.

Regardless of how unimportant or critical, the basic principle underpinning a fair and reasonable negotiation is finding common ground.  Focusing on the desired objectives – not on positions.  And being willing to give to get.  Being willing to trade things of lesser importance (to you) for those of greater (to you). Because not all people put the same value on the same things.   Being able to take a step back and see the forest for the trees.

Now… before anyone starts to wonder whether I have all of sudden come out of the closet and declared myself a hockey fan suffering withdrawal… that is by far not true!  I could care less which set of millionaires in that particular battle manage to get the “better half” of their deal.

It is, perhaps, a perfect microcosm of all that is wrong with the regular process of negotiating an agreement, though.  Two sides, entrenched.  Focused on “what they are asking for” rather than on what they are trying to solve.  Playing a very expensive game of chicken… seeing who might blink first.  And hoping the fans will wait for them to come to some sort of agreement.

Instead, the two sides should be agreeing in principle on what they see as the important elements of an agreement – fair revenue sharing? Support for the teams in the weaker hockey markets?  Protection for younger hockey players just coming into the league? See… I don’t even know what the issues are… But if the owners and the players can agree that they are trying to solve those bigger issues, then work from that point of common ground to figure out what each side thinks is “fair” on each point… well… they’ll immediately be much closer to closing negotiations and getting back to playing the game they all say they love.

We can all take a lesson from that … and instead of focusing on “what I want” or “what I’m entitled to”, we can instead focus on what we’re hoping to achieve in our own negotiations.  What are the important outcomes.  And do we agree that instead of a zero-sum game where someone has to lose for someone else to win, that we can find a point of negotiation where everyone ends up happy.

Unless we’re talking about one of those frivolous points of negotiation in life… we better be willing to invest the time to listen.  To talk calmly.  To present our desired needs and wants.  What is it we want to accomplish.  And for whom.  And why.  And most importantly, to find that common ground.  For if we start from that point and work out the details after figuring out the broader picture… well, we can all come out winners.

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Getting Old(er)

Posted on October 25, 2012 by Mark Keating

They say the only things that are inevitable in life are taxes and dying. I suppose you could say you’re dying from the moment you are born. Cells divide and grow. And others die away. Its just biology. Our metamorphosis from being an infant to an adult is remarkable. The changes astounding. And not just the physical changes — the sheer volume of learning we do through those childhood and adolescent years is, well, awesome.

While less remarkable perhaps, our evolution beyond those early adult years continues. Just imagine if we had kept an annual (or better yet a monthly) record of our existence on this planet. A photo of ourselves. Something that would record for all time how we changed.

What would it show?

The happiness. The sadness. The moments of stress and strain. The years of work. The vitality of life. The joy of new discoveries. The contentedness with traditions and things familiar.

It would also show our age. How we have, in fact, changed. Physically and emotionally. The deepening of the lines in our faces – smile lines and frowns. The graying of our hair. The weathering of our features. Our gain, or loss of weight. The strength we’ve built through our hard efforts and work. And the strength lost – given back to time.

We mark milestones in our ageing through celebration. Anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, promotions. And with each of those some of us are happy. Others are sad. And yet others indifferent. Regardless of our feelings, the milestones come and go.

We can keep ourselves strong and healthy by working at it on a daily basis. Eating right. Being active. We can also prematurely age our bodies by taking things to an extreme – deprivation or excess. Pushing the limits of our bodies ability to adapt. So perhaps the expression “everything, in moderation” is the prescription to lifelong happiness.

As I mark another milestone in my own existence, I’m simply thankful. For all that I have. All that I have had. And all that I hope to have moving forward. Thank you, my friends and family, for being the ones to give me all of those things.

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Fear and Failure

Posted on October 18, 2012 by Mark Keating

Fear. It’s something that can paralyse even the strongest among us. Those strong men and women that choose to be among the brave to defend their countries and the countries of others by joining the armed forces know real fear. As would the men and women of our police forces, fire departments, etc. They’ve experienced moments most of us will never have to – moments where their lives are, in fact, at risk. And that a mistake would cost them, or others, dearly.

For the rest of us, fear is less tangible. Less about anything physical. More about our ego. Our psyche. We’re far less likely to be in fear of our lives or our safety. We’re less likely to be presented with opportunities where our failure will cost anyone anything. And yet, what is probably one of the most common fears amongst us all? One that can, and often does keep us standing still? The fear of failing at something we’ve dreamed of.

We all fear failing.  For the damage it might do to our egos.  And possibly the effect it may have on our lives – in the short run.  But our approach to handling that fear is the important part.  We can choose to let it limit our actions.  Or we can choose to harness that energy to push us harder towards our goals.

Failing is simply a learning opportunity, not an outcome.

I hope we all can embrace that idea. I’m certainly on a path where failure is a huge risk. I’ve essentially re-started my career – 16 years in. Changing industries in order to follow my passion, rather than chasing the easy path. Could I fail? Absolutely. If I do will it be spectacular? Perhaps.

But it will equally be an opportunity for me to have learned something new. For me to have tried. And tried with all of my energy. For if we try half-heartedly we’re almost guaranteeing our own failure. And, most important of all, if I succeed it will mean a wonderful, positive and deep change to the path of my life. One I’ve dreamed of for years. And have only just recently had the courage to follow.

Fear. Failure. Debilitating? Or energising? I suppose it’s up to all of us to decide the answer to that question.

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Through the Hourglass

Posted on October 17, 2012 by Mark Keating

It’s kinda funny.  People warn you when you’re doing an Ironman that there’s a post-race blues that you fall into.  You suddenly don’t have this all-consuming momentous “thing” that you’re focused on.  Something that is the centre of everything you do.  That keeps you up at night (working out), and gets you out of bed in the morning (to workout again).  And, because you aren’t constantly working out, you sit around wondering what to do with all this time that you have!

I even went so far as to put a draft post in this blog with the title “What do normal people do with all their time?”… And as I sat down today to finally get to writing that post,I realized just how different my experience has been from those expectations that I had.

Since August time has flown by.  I can’t really cope with the reality that it’s already October 17th.  October!  MID-October!  It’s been almost 2 full months since my race, and I look back and time is just a blur.  My schedule is as hectic as ever.  I work, I play, I spend time with my boys and others for whom I care deeply.  I split my time between Guelph and Toronto.  And realistically, I have no idea how I could possibly fit training in the quantity I was doing it back into my schedule.  Where would I squeeze the moments from?

I suppose I am (generally speaking) getting a bit more sleep these days than I was before.  And that’s healthy.  And I am (re)connecting with the people who patiently observed and tolerated my one-mindedness in the 300 days pre-race.  And especially my obsessive-compulsions in the weeks leading up to the race itself.  I still train – but not because I have to anymore, but simply because I can, and I enjoy it.  In fact, it’s all the more enjoyable knowing I am doing it “voluntarily” rather than with a purpose.

For the time I now have with those that I care for, I am truly grateful.  Especially knowing that I do still have to make some tough decisions — prioritizing time between those I want to be with – when I can;t be with everyone at the same time.  I guess that’s just life…

I’d like to think that everyone is “happy” to have me back from that place I went to – where I was so one-minded, focused and time-constrained in my personal relationships.  Perhaps there are a few exceptions!  ;)

And then there’s the other expectation that was foretold to me… that “after I forgot the pain of race day, I would want to do another Ironman”.  Well, I can say I also shattered those expectations.  The best part of my whole Ironman journey was the race.  Sure there were those dark moments I expected.  But even at the worst of times I still wore a smile on my face.  It was the level of obsessive-commitment in the training that I look back on with a distaste.  The need to be slave to the program.  Knowing that the distance simply doesn’t allow you to “slack off”.  That you need to be fully trained, or else you do risk hurting yourself.

So will I do another Ironman?  Can’t say I won’t.  I always say to my kids that’s best to avoid using the words “always” and “never” for the definitive finality they connote.  So I won’t say I will never do one again.  But I can confidently say, there are plenty of other things I would rather do with my time than be single-mindedly focused on completing another any time soon.

And in the meantime, I will be the person who cherishes every moment I have with the people I choose to be with.  The person who enjoys life.  Lives it.  Does the things I love to do because they make me happy.  Not for any other purpose.

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In The Details…

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Mark Keating

It’s funny how many people look at you like you have two heads when you tell them you took a month off of carrying around your expensive smartphone.  The questions you get about being “out of touch”.  The number of tsk, tsks about “emergencies, what would you do”.  It’s a very rare person that says “oh, I dream about doing that.”

Here’s the reality.  The first three days were an adjustment period.  I continued to have “phantom bings” … reaching for my pocket like I was carrying my BlackBerry.  Only to remember I wasn’t.  And I was at a loss as to what to do with my time at red lights.  That’s right.  The most obvious moment in all of my day when I didn’t know what to do with myself was when driving.  Well, stopped.  While in the driver’s seat.

As the month progressed, there were a few minor emergencies where having a phone in my pocket might have proved useful.  A couple of days when riding my motorcycle that I was having issues with the battery.  And another morning, where my (now very old, tired and somewhat decrepid but generally still reliable) car wouldn’t start. I survived all of these minor catastrophes without so much as scratch.  Or an unkind word about my tardiness… perhaps there was some incremental stress on my part.  But, once the situation was explained, everyone involved understood and forgave.

After the initial adjustment period, what did I discover? I discovered I was wandering mindlessly through my life.  Not enjoying it.  Savouring what was around me.  The big picture.  And more importantly, the little details.

Whenever a pause in time came in the day-to-day of my life, I used it to see what was going on elsewhere.  I focused my attention on a screen – checking social feeds, for new messages, or anything else that could (and did) distract me from where I was.  Who I was with.  What I was doing.  It was as though I was admitting that ANYTHING else but what I was doing must have been a better thing.

How wrong I was.

So, without the option of checking my screen, what did I see?  Everything.  I saw the people around me – including those that I love but had only been giving my partial attention to all of these many years.  I saw strangers.  And acquaintances.  I saw the random folks passing by a shop window.  Or the people in the cars next to mine.  And I saw that most of them weren’t seeing me.  Cause they were elsewhere.  In their screens.

I also saw the world.  The streets, the houses that lined th streets.  The trees that stood in front of the houses.  The leaves that were turning colours on those trees.  The squirrels sitting amongst the leaves chattering away at my passing by.

Being mindful of my surroundings I was also able to spend more time thinking.  Really and honestly thinking.  About things that mattered.  And many that don’t.  But I was able to focus.  Without the constant distraction of “things elsewhere” I had a clearer mind for those things in front of me. Did I cure cancer or solve the puzzle of peace in the Middle East?  No.  But I did give things that deserved my attention their due consideration.  Not some generic, watered-down substitute instead.

So now that October has arrived, and I am free to carry my BlackBerry again, will I?  Have I proven I can go without.  And now I can stop “sacrificing” by leaving it at home?  Funny enough, I don’t really care whether I do or not.  In the end, I missed nothing in leaving it behind.  Sure, there were times when it would have been nice to have it in my pocket.  Moments of convenience.  And of course, with winter coming it will be “safer” to have it with me.

So I will (am) undoubtedly carrying it on occasion.  When I know I  might genuinely need it for some purpose.  But it is no longer a leash to another world.  I am choosing to live in the world I inhabit.  I will choose to carry my BlackBerry as the tool I once insisted it was, and that it now genuinely has become.

Thank you to the wonderful person who challenged me, indirectly, to better myself.  And then let me do it on my own terms.

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The Scientific Method

Posted on September 27, 2012 by Mark Keating

From what I remember of high school science (oh soooo many years ago), the basic premise underpinning the modern scientific method is that nothing can be proven.  It can only be disproven.  (Is disproven even a word?)  In other words, you have a hypothesis, and you can find as many creative ways as possible to try to get that hypothesis to fail.  But, no matter how many experiments you run, or creative ways to try to get your hypothesis to fail, you can only say that it “has not yet failed to be proven incorrect”.  You can never, ever, fully declare that you have proven your hypothesis to be true.  But if it passes the test of time, it can become a law.

In order to be a good scientist you need two things.  And inquisitive mind.  And a willingness to be wrong.

The inquisitive mind will allow you the energy to look into the far corners of the world to find things worth exploring.  Or to see them in your everyday life.  And to see the wonderful possibilities of creating new knowledge.  To dive into a new area of exploration.

And with that exploration come errors.  Well, perhaps not errors.  Just hypotheses proven false.  Good science is where scientists genuinely try to understand what has happened with their experiments.  If they get an unexpected result, they are excited.  Perhaps a little trepidatious… And not unusually, perhaps they are also disappointed.   Ultimately though, they look upon it as a challenge – something more to understand.  Another piece of a larger puzzle.  Something that can help them refine their understanding of the greater picture into which their hypothesis fits. Or at the very least move onto a hypothesis that has more chance of being true.

Bad science, on the other hand, is typified when “unusual data” is dropped in favour of the hypothesis being maintained.  Where the scientist is more interested in confirming  assumptions and “proving” him/herself right to see that the evidence is pointing in another direction.

True science follows the evidence.  And, leads to a point where hypotheses become theorems.  And theorems become laws.

So where am I going with this?  Well… I think many facets of our lives are guided by the same principles as science.  Or, perhaps I should be more specific in saying they should be.  Our choice of education.  Our career paths.  And, probably most important of all, our relationships.

As unromantic as it may seem, I think we enter a relationship with a hypothesis.  “I think I could like that person” or “Betcha spending time with him / her would be fun” or even, “Whoa, hottie”.  And through the experiments of time, we begin to disprove our hypothesis, or continue to test.  Sometimes relationships fails tests early on.  “Whoa, hottie” being one of the most notorious to fail quickly once the beer goggles have burned off in the light of the rising sun.   But, all joking aside – it’s not unusual to find, very quickly at the beginning of a “relationship”, that you have made an incorrect hypothesis … and you can quickly move on to more fruitful experiments.

Those relationships that pass the easy, simple, uncomplicated experiments known as “first dates” become the fodder for more complicated experiments – where catalysts are introduced in order to see whether “reactions”  will occur.  (OK, quick reminder on the chemistry… a catalyst is something introduced to two substances that ideally make them react together more quickly or with more volatility or at all).  What kinds of catalysts might we be speaking of?  It could be as simple as a glass of wine.  Or dinner.  Or going shopping together.  Or a weekend away, a vacation.  Meeting family.  Living together.  But, undoubtedly, the strongest catalysts of all are kids.  Whether borne of the relationship, or introduced from one or the other side of it.

Just as in good science, the essential component of good relationships (or careers, or other major life events) is having the mental fortitude to be willing to read the evidence truthfully and examine its implications with some semblance of unbiasedness.   One must be willing to accept that your hypotheses are wrong.  That, while disappointed initially, the tapestry of your own life will be the richer for having had the experience of a disproven hypothesis…

And through accepting that outcome, you have freed up your time and your attention to seek out a new hypotheses to test.  One that, with an equally open attitude towards success and failure, may prove to be true… or more accurately, will continue to pass the ongoing tests of time and remain unproven as wrong.

Or maybe I’m full of shit.  And relationships are based on magic, romance and the dust of pixies.

But if I am right, I’m happy.  Very happy.  To continue to not necessarily be right.  But, more importantly, to not yet be proven wrong.  And to feel as though I am on the path from hypothesis to theorem.  And maybe even law.  With eyes open.  Notebook and pencil in hand.  And catalysts galore.

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Starting in the Middle

Posted on September 14, 2012 by Mark Keating

Nicholson Baker was recommended to me as an author recently, and for that I am truly thankful.  I read The Mezzanine in a very few days.  I devoured The Anthologist in a single day – though I can’t say it was a single sitting as I did have a nap and dinner between the time I started and finished it.  And I am now rationing A Box of Matches – savouring it instead of being voracious with it.  If only cause I want to make it last.

The man has an amazing gift of describing with crystal clarity the details of our everyday lives.  He makes us (or should I say me) say “ahhh” at the things we (I) have for many years seen, done, experienced – but have never taken note of consciously.  He has a gift.

It was in the middle of The Anthologist where I noted to myself an idea he passed over quickly.  The idea that to get things started, sometimes you had to worry less about starting at the beginning and working your way through, but instead be comfortable with just starting in the middle.  Just starting.  Not worrying about where.  Just start.

This idea resonated with me.  I’m sure it’s for any number of reasons.  At the time I don’t know that I knew why.  But, while he devoted maybe a paragraph to the concept before moving onto something that was, for him, more important – it has stuck with me.  I’ve been mulling it over in the spare mental time I have.  I’m not sure I have yet figured out its importance completely…  But I recognize it is an important concept.

There are at least two ways I have been thinking about this idea.  One being that we (or should I make this about me only?  maybe others aren’t like me…) tend to “save the best for last”.  The best being the middle.  I eat my burgers, my sandwiches, my cereal, my soup – frankly I eat everything -  by devoting my attention to the “periphery” of the meal first … consuming the things I may like the least, and saving the “middle” of my meal for last.  While I suppose this ensures my brussels sprouts get consumed on occasion, it also means that sometimes I am well and truly stuffed with food and staring down at a plate of the best parts of my meal.  Will I leave it cause I am full?  No way… it’s the best part!  So I overeat and feel awful.

That’s definitely a minor, and first-world issue that I hate to even bring up.  But metaphorically speaking, am I also doing that with other parts of my life?  Do I spend my time frittering away at the edges of the stuff that is truly important?  And not really sinking my teeth into the guts of things because I am, as Baker put it, too worried about where to get started than I am about the “just getting started” part of life?

Being action-oriented in nature… I think I am probably striking a relatively healthy balance of “just doing something” vs being paralyzed by my desire to do things right and from the beginning.  Especially with decisions of late around career and life.  But, putting conscious thought into this idea has really helped me to realize its not just ok to think I am doing things … I need to be conscious in knowing I am.

And, perhaps most importantly to me at this point in my life, and with the people who I have chosen to spend my time with, is whether I am giving too little thought to the benefits that come from being able to jump into the middle of someone else’s life? Or have someone jump into the middle of mine?  Am I recognizing appropriately the joy they bring to me and the kindnesses I can show them?  Yes, it’s true we all bring our own share of experiences and injuries to any relationship.  Those are the things that make us who we are.  So we need to embrace them.  Just as we can (and should) embrace our ability to just dive into the middle of things.  And enjoy that spot – the present – in our lives.  Worry less about the past.  Or the future.

So, despite the fact that I am no great thinker, and the ideas that get caught in my head remain to a large degree still tangled together like knots in a ball of yarn, I will make an increased effort to focus on the juicy middle of everything that is part of my life.  I won’t feel guilty in focusing my energy on those things.  I’ll worry less about where I should start.  I will feel healthier (well perhaps not healthier, but less stuffed) at meals.  And I will feel fuller from my life — what I can and will give to those I care for.  And what I take from those who care for me.

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